Menopause Myths, Messy Truths, and Finding My Freedom

A Flucking Flourishing Guest Post by the Fabulous Sue Reed!

Hello Queenager,

Meet

Sue Reed

: author, menopause warrior, and the queen of turning life’s chaos into creative gold. When menopause tried to knock her down, she rose like a phoenix—pen in hand, ready to rewrite the narrative. From bloody puddles (yep, we’re going there) to finding her voice, Sue’s story is a masterclass in resilience, reinvention, and embracing the messy magic of midlife.

Grab a cuppa (or a glass of wine, if it’s menopause-approved) and get ready to be inspired!

How did you feel when you realised perimenopause was starting? Relief? Panic? A bit of both?

I had no notion of the perimenopause. Sometimes I joke that the word wasn’t even invented when I went through it, but I’m sure it was. I was not aware of it. However, armed with the knowledge I now have, I realise that what I described as a complete physical and nervous breakdown was, in fact, the perimenopause.
I lost my teaching career– I completely lost the plot as my physical and mental health took a complete nosedive. I blamed myself and I was full of shame.
I did go to a GP to ask if this was the menopause starting but was dismissed. I asked if blood tests could be done to look at hormone levels, but again was dismissed. ‘There is nothing that can be gained by these’, said the GP—a female GP at that. 

I never went back and went through the whole of the perimenopause and the menopause without medical support. No HRT, no nothing. 

What were the biggest myths about menopause that you discovered weren’t true?

I knew very little about the menopause – my mother and grandmother never talked about it other than using the word ‘the change’ and then looking away. I had no idea what to expect. It has been a completely new learning journey. I just thought my periods would stop and I’d get hot flushes. I didn’t know about the myriad of other symptoms. 

What’s something about menopause that nobody warned you about?

I thought my periods would just stop, I didn’t know they would get so heavy I would leave bloody puddles on the seat and no tampons on the market would be adequate for the flow or the clots as big as golf balls. I had no idea I’d need a coil to fettle this.

I’d not be able to tolerate alcohol! I’d been a heavy drinker up til then, but any more than one glass of wine will see me sweaty and fidgety, bad-tempered and awake at night. 

Just how big my belly would get and how much weight I’d put on. 

Just how angry I’d get; how much I’d shout and how I wouldn’t be putting up with others’ crap anymore. 

Sprouting facial hair.

How did you navigate the harder parts (hot flushes, mood swings, etc.) while staying true to yourself?

I got therapy – lots of it! And acupuncture….

• Hot flushes by day – avoiding (or in my case reducing) sugar, alcohol, more than one cup of coffee a day – it’s the stimulants I found that made these worse.

• Regular massages – time out with someone who put their hands on me when my desire to be touched by my partner went out the window.

• A wool duvet – lifechanging for navigating hot sweats at night – got mine from a company called Baavet – wool is heat regulating 

How has your sense of identity evolved since menopause?

I remember my son asking me pre-menopause what else I did apart from go to work and be a mum. I could not think of anything. I worked full-time and had three kids. I had no hobbies, nothing I did out of the home or the school where I worked. 
Now my life is so full of things I do for myself. The caring responsibilities have changed (I call it the care continuum)—grandchildren and elderly parents—but I carve out time for myself and set boundaries around that.
I feel now that I am my own person rather than being an appendage of others

What have you stopped doing (or caring about) now that you're post-menopause?

This is a work in progress. I am caring less or worrying less about what others think of me, especially family members. I held back for half a century, telling my truth (about childhood sexual abuse & emotional trauma due to a fundamentalist cult) but now I am no longer being bound by others’ expectations. I have stopped hiding my truth, and I am releasing the shame that has been trapped in my body for so long. Being post-menopausal has given me the confidence to begin to write my story, which has a working title of Sex, Gin and Chocolate Cup Cake: When the Stuffing Has to Stop  (I’ve written a few posts over on my Down Clarty Lonnen Substack)

I have stopped dying my hair and am embracing the grey – I no longer strive to look young and embrace my cronehood. I never wore a lot of makeup – have never worn foundation – but now bother even less. I don’t feel the need to make myself look beautiful for anyone else. If I do want to dress up or wear makeup, it’s for me.

I have stopped following fashion and wear the clothes I want to wear, and that suit my new shape and size. 

What new passions, hobbies, or opportunities have you embraced in this phase of life?

I promised myself that by the time I was 60, I’d ‘be a writer’ – at 58 I found out you could get a student loan up to the age of 60, and went off to Newcastle University to do the MA in Creative Writing. I was terrified at first, felt I had nothing to offer as I didn’t speak the same academic talk of some of the younger students. However, I soon realised that I had a lifetime of stories and experiences to tell and found my confidence and more importantly my voice. I am beginning to tell my story.

At 61 my first book was published  - The Rewilding of Molly McFlynn - which follows the theme I love to talk about and that fits well with this discussion of my menopause journey—daring to be different! 

I took myself off on my first-ever holiday alone – a writing retreat in Tuscany. It was brilliant!

I am my own person now I’m post-menopausal. I am strong and I am brave (well, sometimes!)

It’s still a work in progress but I am better at doing things by myself because I want to. 

How has menopause impacted your relationships—with your partner, kids, friends, or even yourself?

I learnt how to set boundaries – how to say no to situations that were not healthy for me. I stopped people pleasing and doing things because I thought I should. Most importantly this was around my mother and father and the trauma I suffered in the earlier stages of my life, but also around my children and grandchildren. For example, not childminding the grandchildren who were off school with the sick bug. 

I am still with my husband, and we’ve been together for 40 years. However, it was very rocky through the menopause. I shouted a lot and almost left. I stopped putting up with the all the crap! 

I’m learning (thanks to therapy) how to be assertive – to say how it is for me, and what I’d like to happen. 

Did you find it easy to talk about menopause with others, or was it a journey to normalise the conversation?

I haven’t found it easy at all  - I think I carry the legacy left by my own mother and grandmother. But the tide is turning and I’m thrilled to see a younger generation chatting so openly about the menopause. I think discussions have really come out into the open of late. It’s great to be part of this discussion here today and I’d like to think more about this and write some longer pieces for Substack, illustrated with stories using these questions as prompts. 

I haven’t found it easy with my immediate family, especially the men – my eldest son and husband don’t engage at all in these discussions. However, my youngest son (28 now) came to be the other day to say he’d listened to a good podcast about the menopause – could have blown me down with a feather! He was glad he wasn’t a woman, was his response. 

My daughter listens and empathises, but there is something that holds me back and stops me from sharing – I don’t want to appear weak or whingey I guess – trying to be the strong mother, always there for everyone else ( the opposite to my own mother – so lots to unpick there!)
As for friends – yes, both in real life and online -  we talk and we share stories, celebrate and commiserate. 

Who or what has been your biggest support during this transition? Are there any practices or rituals that have helped you?

My daughter is always there with a hug and has time for a chat. She is so precious, and I value our relationship so much

My husband, who is quiet and patient, and although he doesn’t say a lot and often doesn’t know what to say, he has been enormous support – just there, patiently waiting.  I often think of us two as two lines on a graph. The bottom line is the timeline, and the vertical axis is the amount our moods swing. His line is fairly near the bottom and is straight and constant. Mine is a series of wild highs and lows, going from the very bottom of the graph and the very top.
The online community has definitely been the biggest support – conversations on Substack in particular in writing groups I’m in. 

I’m a big fan of ‘morning pages’ – three sides of stream-of-consciousness writing as soon as we’ve woken up (after a pee) – just write whatever comes into your head – it gets the frustration out of your head and onto the page. 

Getting out for a daily walk where possible – fresh air, noticing nature and looking to the horizons! 

Writing and the whole writing community that buoy each other up!

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How have you adapted your approach to health—mental, physical, and emotional?

I have begun a daily meditation practice – I no longer have to get kids ready for school or get out to work so my time is far more my own. I find this really helps with the insomnia.
If I’m tired in the afternoon, I have a ‘Nana nap’ 

I try to keep active where I can – getting out for a walk every day and have just signed up to the ‘healthy life’ at the gym.
I gave up booze for a year and that totally helped to reframe my relationship with alcohol, which in turn helped massively with menopause symptoms. 

What’s the most liberating thing about being post-menopause?

Finding your voice! 

What’s one habit, belief, or mindset shift that has helped you truly flourish?

I am not responsible for what others think. 

What’s your motto or mantra for this phase of life?

I am strong, I am brave and I am free.

How do you define flourishing now compared to earlier in your life?

I was trapped in trauma, lacking in self-esteem and self-belief, but now I am free - I have stepped through the menopause gateway and have come into the light. This next chapter is a gift – time to do what I want to do, to embrace this time of life that comes with wisdom and experience. Our time is now! 

Sue’s Amazing Seasonal Eating & Growing Tips Publication